i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
