I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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