where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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