Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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