i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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