Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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