I cannot find my penis.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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