I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
