You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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