I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
