Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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