I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
