She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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