i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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