If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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