So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
