she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
