Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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