I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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