life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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