Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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