I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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