Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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