The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
