You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
