Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize