Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
