I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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