you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize