my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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