The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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