Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
