I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
