Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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