I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
