Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
