Do you still have your period?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
