Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
