I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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