Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
