had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
