I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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