im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
