You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I did not marry a roomba.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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