Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
