You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
