I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
