I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize