Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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