we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize