i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
