Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
