Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
