Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
