look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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