sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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