i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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