Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
